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What is it like to celebrate your 21st birthday with a radiation cocktail?

December 9th, 2007

Author with personal experience - Michelle

Turning 21 is a time for celebration. Adulthood… parties… a sense of making it through that threshold you’d dreamed of all your young life.

Two weeks after my 21st birthday I was stretched out on a cold metal table receiving the first of many doses of radiation. Part of my “treatment” program for Hodgkin’s Disease. The treatment package included needles, chemicals, biopsies, which caused nausea, depression and ultimately… fear.

Why me? It suddenly sucked being me. Quickly weary of the unwanted attention my health issues were causing, I retreated within myself. I pushed those I loved as far away as I could. More treatments would come in time, while I waited… I wanted to be normal. Leaving home and going to school I could blend into the crowd. No one would know I had cancer. I deluded myself. It’s called denial.

College was just the smack across the face that I needed. Who was I kidding to think I didn’t need the occasional hug or pat on the back to reassure me things would improve?

Fear was the fuel that made me run. I was so afraid of hurting anyone who cared. My logic made sense to me. Putting up walls and moving out of people’s lives would make it easier all around when I died. Yes, the “D” word. I was sure I was going to die. If I was alone, no one would mourn.

Wrong! No one gave up on me. Love and support flooded telephone lines and emails. Visits from friends and support from new friends made me understand I couldn’t do this alone. I woke up. I found the strength to live.

Back in the secure net of family and friends treatments started again. I don’t dwell on things I can’t do right now. A deep appreciation has come for the simple things once taken for granted. I’ve never enjoyed a walk on the beach as much as now. I’ve never taken so long to stare with wonder at the stars in the sky. I have never felt so warmed by the setting sun.

There are bad days and rough spots. A long rough road awaits but I’d not change places with anyone. I have had a remarkable life. Memories coupled with hope for the future get me through bad days. Friends are always there to remind me that one day soon we will share a margarita and watch the sunset together.

Entry Filed under: What is it like?