What is it like to have a mood disorder?
December 9th, 2007
Author with personal experience - Kara
Waking up after twelve or thirteen hours of uninterrupted sleep to find that you just don’t have an ounce of strength in you to get up, to brush your teeth, to bathe, to do anything other than just lay. The basic activities of day to day life have been stripped away. A loud ring destroys. A delicate noise cringes. A television ruins. A finespun conversation drains. Life outside the bed is nonexistent. Yet work must continue. There isn’t any other option that presents itself. You go unkempt. You go confused. You go trying to manage your employees and your store within the company and they end up managing you. Your regular customers you shy away from. You can’t allow them to see your unstable eyes or hear the shakiness in your voice. Your facade has given way to the eyes of those whom know this is not you. A visitor has imposed upon you: the depths of despair.
A beam of sunshine breaks through. The blinds can now be opened. A shower invigorates. The television goes off. Relationships are refreshed. Most importantly, life has been restored. Live. Love. Laugh. Enjoy. The breadth of work is not to be feared. Going in public is embraced. Eye to eye contact is confidently made with a steady voice unwavering in opinion. The fast food of yesterday turns into the health food of today. I AM NOT CRAZY. I DO NOT HAVE AN UNSOUND MIND. I AM NOT LAZY. I DO LOVE LIFE. Active. Calm. Consistent. And alive. You are so thankful. This place is the real you…stabilized.
Your attitude begins to sink, nothing can please you. You are unsettled in all your ways. Your sleep is interrupted. You are irritable. Your thoughts rest in the question, “When will a good night’s sleep come?” Your decision making skills have befallen to overwhelming indecisiveness. You buy one of everything you selected instead of just selecting one. Your agitation shows. The pace of life speeds up. You rush in everything you do. Two sentences merge into one as ideas overflow. No one is as excited as you. Anger expresses itself. The little quirks of the day make their way into menaces. That lady cut me off. That man smiled at me. That muddy child left his marks all over the store. That dog won’t stop barking. You believe you shouldn’t have to deal with any of this, yet know that something more than a typical bad day is happening here. You feel this heat, this intensity. It’s directed at anyone who comes in your path. Nothing need be done. Nothing need be said. Rage is burning inside you. You don’t even want to be around yourself. This is not you and you know it. An antagonist you must fight: degree of denial.
A beam of sunshine breaks through. The blinds can now be opened. A shower invigorates. The television goes off. Relationships are refreshed. Most importantly, life has been restored. Live. Love. Laugh. Enjoy. The breadth of work is not to be feared. Going in public is embraced. Eye to eye contact is confidently made with a steady voice unwavering in opinion. The fast food of yesterday turns into the health food of today. I AM NOT CRAZY. I DO NOT HAVE AN UNSOUND MIND. I AM NOT LAZY. I DO LOVE LIFE. Active. Calm. Consistent. And alive. You are so thankful. This place is the real you…stabilized.
It’s said people with cancer have cancer as do people with lupus. They have lupus. You hear much in the media, all negative, about people with varying degrees of mood disorders. The media defines those people by the disorder they have been diagnosed with. Well, I am those people; I am them, and I am not a mood disorder. I have one.
Entry Filed under: What is it like?
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